Five with Fry

35: Why Niceness Makes You Ineffective

• Dr. Jen Fry

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Kindness and niceness might sound similar, but they’re very different in how they shape our communication and leadership. Too often, leaders avoid hard conversations because they want to be “nice.” The problem is that what feels compassionate in the moment—sidestepping conflict, staying vague, or quietly reducing someone’s responsibilities—creates confusion and toxicity. People can tell when something is wrong, even if no one names it.

In this episode, I talk about why “niceness” can actually cause harm when it prevents clarity, feedback, or necessary decisions. Hoping someone will quit instead of addressing performance directly doesn’t protect them. It undermines trust. True kindness requires courage. That could mean giving feedback even when it’s uncomfortable, or handling terminations with honesty and dignity instead of leaving someone in limbo. Kindness values long-term well-being over temporary comfort.

I invite you to reflect on your own approach to communication. Are you prioritizing being liked, or are you willing to lean into discomfort for the sake of real kindness? That choice makes all the difference in how effective you are as a leader.

Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @JenFryTalks, or connect with me on LinkedIn as Dr. Jen Fry. Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts.

Dr. Jen Fry:

Friends, welcome to Five with Fry, where five is the magic number, whether it's five minutes, five questions or anything that fits in five. I dive into the big topics that matter, sometimes alone and other times with a friend. From navigating sports conflict to family dynamics, travel, tech, hard-hitting issues and even politics Nothing and I mean nothing's off the table. This is where curiosity meets conversation, and we always sit at an intersection. I'm your host, dr Jen Fry of Jen Fry Talks. Let's get into it, friends. Welcome to Five with Fry. I am your hostess with the mostess, dr Jen Fry. Today, we're going to talk about effective communication related to niceness. We're going to talk about effective communication related to niceness, and so one way people have grown up is the idea that being nice overrides everything else, and I just want to tell you that that's not true, because if you are only focused on being nice when you are in a position of power, you are going to do a complete disservice to the people you work with, because when you are worried about being nice, you're not going to be direct with your words, you are not going to be decisive with your decisions, you are not going to fire quickly, you're not going to do anything that is kind, because you're too worried about being nice, and niceness, to me at least, has never had someone make really hard decisions. In reality, when you're nice, it stops you from making the hard decisions because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. You are worried about their families, which in some respect you should, but you're worried so much about their families that you don't make the kind decision for that person, which in some cases could be to fire them. And I have had many conversations with people who say I need to fire this person, but I'm super worried. So I'm going to see if they'll change. I'm going to put them on performance plan. I am going to maybe not give them their bonus. I'm going to do all these things in hope that they change or actually that they get kind of a hint and leave on their own, because I'm nice and I don't want to be thought of as the one to fire them. But I'm just going to create a container that frustrates them so much that they end up leaving. And so when people do this, you're actually doing the hurtful thing. You're creating a container where they are uncomfortable, they're frustrated and they know what's going on, and so, because they know what's going on. They can feel that they're unwanted. They can feel that something else is going on. They can see the secretiveness, the comments, the taking away job duties, supervisory duties. They can feel that.

Dr. Jen Fry:

And so when we think about effective communication, that is what my people say it's like well, I'm just being nice because I'm really worried they still have a job. That is what my people say it's like well, I'm just being nice because I'm really worried they still have a job. That is being completely unkind. The kind thing to do is to tell them that maybe they aren't in a place that they're going to grow and they should look for another job or whatever it is, and give them a severance and have them move on. That's the way you handle it. To be worried so much about being nice means you put people in a position that makes going to work in some ways unbearable and frustrating and demoralizing, and so I really want us to think about effective communication not through the lens of niceness, but through the lens of kindness, because you understand that being kind also means you have to do hard stuff that might cause another person pain, but you know it's the kind thing to do and that's more important than trying to be the nice aka likable person.

Dr. Jen Fry:

Well, friends, that's it for this episode of Five with Fry your dose of five insights, ideas and inspiration. If you love what you heard, don't forget to head over to where podcasts are played, to subscribe, share and leave a review. Got a topic you want us to tackle? Drop us a message. We'd love to hear from you. You can come follow me on IG, twitter, the TikTok at Jen Fry Talks, or join me on LinkedIn. Look for me at Dr Jen Fry. Until next time, stay curious, stay bold and keep the conversation going. See you on the next Five with Fry.