37: Stop Saying "Sorry If I Offended You"

Have you ever noticed how often people say, “I’m sorry if I offended you” when they’re called out for something they said? In this episode of Five with Fry, I talk about why that phrase sounds like an apology but actually avoids accountability.

Adding the word if shifts the problem away from our words and onto someone else’s reaction. It suggests the issue isn’t what was said, but the fact that someone felt offended. That framing puts the responsibility on the listener instead of the speaker.

Real accountability looks different. It’s direct and specific: “I’m sorry for what I said.” Think of it as treating accountability like a yield sign—acknowledge it, own it, and move forward—rather than a stop sign where you get stuck in over-apologizing.

In this episode, I unpack how to recognize conditional apologies, why they undermine trust, and how to take ownership in ways that actually strengthen relationships.

Got a topic you’d like me to cover? Reach out and let me know. Be sure to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and connect with me on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @JenFryTalks or on LinkedIn at Dr. Jen Fry.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Five with Fry

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Friends, welcome to Five with Fry, where five is the magic number, whether it's five minutes, five questions or anything that fits in five. I dive into the big topics that matter, sometimes alone and other times with a friend. From navigating sports conflict to family dynamics, travel, tech, hard-hitting issues and even politics. Nothing and I mean nothing's off the table. This is where curiosity meets conversation, and we always sit at an intersection. I'm your host, dr Jen Fry, of Jen Fry Talks. Let's get into it. Hey friends, welcome to the newest episode of Five with Fry. I am your hostess with the absolute mostest Dr Jen Fry.

Speaker 1: 0:40

So I'm going to mention my hot take on something. And here's my hot take when you say something problematic, stop saying I'm sorry if I offended you. Oh, that grinds my gears like a car that needs to have their rotaries changed. Is that the right word? Rotaries, rotor, your rotors changed. Well, you know what I mean, but it grinds my gears like a young person trying to learn how to drive stick. And it grinds my gears because it literally stops you from owning what you have done. So let's play this happening Say, say, you say something problematic, whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 1:29

You say something problematic and a person says you know what you said was wrong, what you said was problematic, incorrect, whatever it is, and instead of saying thank you for correcting me, I appreciate it. Your words are well, I'm sorry for what I said offended you. That literally takes all accountability off your plate. I'm sorry if I offended you, is also saying well, what I maybe said wasn't actually wrong, it just bothered you. So if I don't say it in your presence, I'm still fine. And so what I tend to see so many times is that people don't want to actually take accountability for what they have said, and so they try and play these word games, these semantical games, as if you saying something are the problem and if you're not there, everything's going to be fine. And so it's about ownership of what you've done. And so whenever people say I'm sorry if I've offended you, I'm very quick to say you did not offend me. What you said was problematic, very, very different. I am not offended by this, but what you said was problematic and shouldn't be said. And we have to be willing to say that when people try and put what they said as a problem on our shoulders, because it's easy to say well, you're offended easily, stop being offended and it makes it seem that again you're the problem for standing up to them versus what they said was problematic. And so we have to be willing to stop people when they try and do that wordplay, when they stop trying to take ownership of it.

Speaker 1: 3:10

If you deadname someone and I call you on it, the correct thing to say is I apologize for deadnaming them, not to say I'm sorry that offended you Because it's not offending me and many times it's not offending other people, it's just problematic what you've done. And so, folks, if you are a person that when you get called out you say I'm sorry for offending you, I'm going to ask you to stop doing it, to take a second to really reflect and say why am I saying this? Why, when I get held accountable, is someone saying do I say I'm sorry for offending you, like why is that the verbiage that I use? And to really sit with it and think about it in a more kind of thoughtful and nuanced way and to ask those questions why do I say this thing? Sometimes people might come back like what I didn't want to hurt their feelings, I didn't want to do this, then say I'm sorry for what I said hurt your feelings as you're taking ownership of that, versus saying I'm sorry I offended you, no, what I did cause this reaction, I'm sorry, my words hurt your feelings, I'm sorry for misgendering you, and then keep it moving. Treat it like a yield sign. Do not treat it like a stop sign. Maybe some people treat this like a stop sign. Y'all sit there for so long. I'm so sorry. No, treat it like a yield sign. Acknowledge what you said, own what you said and keep it moving. That is the easiest and best way to handle a situation where you're being held accountable.

Speaker 1: 4:48

Well, friends, that's it for this episode of Five with Fry your dose of five insights, ideas and inspiration. If you love what you heard, don't forget to head over to where podcasts are played subscribe, share and leave a review. Got a topic you want us to tackle? Drop us a message. We'd love to hear from you. You can come follow me on ig twitter, the tick tock at gen fry talks, or join me on linkedin. Look for me at dr gen fry. Until next time, stay curious, stay bold and keep the conversation going. See you on the next five with fry.