Five with Fry

42: Defending Without Being Defensive

• Dr. Jen Fry • Season 1 • Episode 42

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Ever been told you’re “being defensive” the moment you try to explain yourself? In this episode, we break down the fine line between defending your choices with context and showing up as defensive through tone, body language, or shut-down phrases.

Jen walks through real-world examples of how calm, grounded explanations can actually strengthen trust and clarity—at work, at home, and anywhere dialogue matters. You’ll learn to spot the cues that signal rising defensiveness (crossed arms, clipped replies, eye rolls) and use simple tools to reset in the moment.

We’ll cover:

  •  How to tell the difference between defending and being defensive
  •  Why adding context makes feedback more fair and useful
  •  Body language and tone cues to watch for
  •  Practical phrases that invite dialogue instead of debate
  •  How mislabeling explanation as “defensiveness” harms performance reviews and trust
  •  Quick steps to keep conversations open and collaborative

You’ll walk away with language you can use right away—like, “May I add context so this makes sense?” or “I hear your point; here’s what shaped that decision.” These short loops turn heat into clarity and make feedback a two-way conversation instead of a shutdown moment.

If this one resonates, share it with someone who needs a better feedback playbook, hit follow wherever you listen, and leave a quick review. Got a topic you want me to tackle next? Drop me a message—and come find me on Instagram, TikTok, or Twitter at @JenFryTalks, or on LinkedIn at Dr. Jen Fry.

Dr. Jen Fry:

Friends, welcome to Five with Fry, where five is the magic number. Whether it's five minutes, five questions, or anything that fits in five. I dive into the big topics that matter, sometimes alone and other times with a friend. From navigating sports, conflict to family dynamics, travel, tech, hard-hitting issues, and even politics. Nothing, and I mean nothing's off the table. This is where curiosity meets conversation, and we always sit at an intersection. I'm your host, Dr. Jen Fry of Gen Fry Talks. Let's get into it. Hey friends, welcome to Five with Fry. I am the hostess with the most us, Dr. Jen Fry. So let's talk about an interesting semantics of words, if you must. The idea of defending what you're saying versus being defensive. Again, we're talking about defending versus being defensive. And I think in conversations, when people are giving feedback, when people are giving a different opinion, they don't understand that people still get the right to defend what they're saying, and they can do that without being defensive. A response doesn't necessarily mean you are being defensive. And I think it's a really important difference to make. People deserve to defend what they're saying, they deserve to explain themselves, they deserve to be able to add context to it, they deserve to protect themselves, they deserve to do all of that stuff. They don't have to just sit there and take it all, and that's just the way it is. Now, when we talk about being defensive, it's where you are just having reactive methods, you are being emotional, the tone that you have, the body language that you have, the words that you're using, those are all things that can be defensive. And a difference would be say if you're giving me feedback about a situation that occurred. And I can say, Well, let me just explain some context so that you better understand the situation. That's me defending, right? I just want to give you more context. Let me just justify why I did what I did. That's defending, and people deserve to do that. People deserve to have that option. Now being defensive is different. It will be in body language with crossed arms, rolled eyes, not looking at the person, huffing. Those are ways that people can show up as being defensive. People saying, whatever, I don't care, just tell me. Those are ways of being defensive. And so I think it's important that we separate out defending versus being defensive. Just because you're giving information doesn't mean that the person doesn't get to defend themselves. And as someone said before, then that means that you're just trying to have a monologue versus a dialogue. If you are expecting a dialogue, that means you understand that when you're saying something, the other person's gonna respond to you. You understand that's part of a dialogue. When it's a monologue, you're stopping any response that they're having because you're saying, well, you're just being defensive. And you're immediately closing down any opportunity they give to speak. That can be really problematic because sometimes you might not get the clear context to the story that you actually need to have a full picture. And it also stops people from wanting to give you more information in the future if you're gonna just continue to stop it immediately by using the word defensive. We can also start to see it become a problem where now you write in their performance review or in other stuff that they are consistently defensive when all they are doing is defending themselves, which they absolutely get a right to do. So I really want to hear what your thoughts are on this. And now that you're getting some clarity, are you like, hmm, I now have words to use whenever I'm just trying to explain myself, and someone immediately is trying to knock it down and saying I'm defensive. Well, friends, that's it for this episode of Five with Fry. Your dose of five insights, ideas, and inspiration. If you love what you heard, don't forget to head over to where podcasts are played to subscribe, share, and leave a review. Got a topic you want us to tackle? Drop us a message. We love to hear from you. You can come follow me on IG, Twitter, the TikTok at Gen Fry Talks, or join me on LinkedIn. Look for me at Dr. Genfry. Until next time, stay curious, stay bold, and keep the conversation going. See you on the next Five with Fry.