S2 Ep6: Stop Calling It “Defensive” When It’s Just Questions

There’s a moment that happens in feedback conversations all the time. Someone asks a question or tries to explain their perspective, and the response is, “You’re being defensive.” The label lands, and the door closes. What could have been dialogue turns into shutdown.

This conversation slows that moment down. I walk through the difference between actual defensiveness and healthy self-defense. Interrupting, justifying, listening just to reload your rebuttal. Those behaviors protect your ego. Clarifying questions, asking for examples, reflecting back what you heard, and taking a breath before responding. Those behaviors protect the integrity of the conversation. When we name behaviors instead of throwing labels, we keep accountability in the room without shaming someone out of it.

If you lead people, parent, coach, or simply care about getting better at hard conversations, this one asks you to look at your own patterns too. Do you rush to explain your intent? Do you avoid defending your perspective altogether? You don’t get to build trust if people feel silenced for speaking, and you don’t get to grow if every response is treated like rebellion. There’s a difference. Let’s get better at seeing it.

Transcript

Season Focus And Promise

Dr. Jen Fry 0:00

Welcome to Five with Fry. I'm Dr. Jen Fry. This podcast is about conflict and what it teaches us when we stop trying to avoid it. This season focuses on leadership starting with self. In five-minute episodes, we look at the internal work of leadership, self-awareness, emotional regulation, accountability, and the patterns that show up when things get tense. You don't get to lead past what you won't look at. In some episodes, I'll ask a guest one central question: What is a moment of conflict that changed you for the better? Different formats, same goal. To help you lead with more clarity by owning your own stuff and using conflict as a tool, not something to run from. Hey friends, it's Dr. Fry. And today we're going to talk about defensive versus defending. And I want you to kind of sit with that nuance: defensive versus defending. I think because a lot of people do not want somebody defending themselves, they immediately weaponize the word defensive. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're getting defensive. I'm just trying to help you out. I'm just trying to give you some feedback. And the person's like, I'm just trying to ask some questions. And so we really need to we need to separate defensive and defending and understand both of them well. Whenever we're giving hard feedback, feedback really of any kind, we're having a hard conversation. Many times, and people don't want to admit this, they want to have a monologue versus a dialogue. They want to go into this situation with power and be able to tell the person everything that they want to say without the person responding. And once the person responds, well, now they're being defensive. And that's not inherently true all the time. When someone is defensive, they can keep interrupting a lot. They try and explain their intent. Well, this is really what I intended. This is this was my intent. They justify their behavior. This is the reason why I said that. This is the reason why I did it. Or they're really naive and listening to you and they're just preparing what they're going to say next. That's being defensive. And it's critical that you understand the behaviors attached to that. So then whenever you're talking to someone and you feel that they start to get defensive, you can name it so that they can understand the behaviors that you're talking about. Because many times, whenever you tell someone they're getting defensive without behaviors, it just shuts them down. And it's like, well, is there any questions? No. Can I leave now? And so you really want to pay attention to what are the behaviors when someone's being defensive versus when someone is defending. And whenever they're defending themselves, which everyone should get the opportunity to defend themselves. They shouldn't just have to take it all, say thank you, and walk away. They should get the opportunity to defend themselves, and you should want them to, in case you don't have the whole story. And so whenever someone's defending themselves, they're going to ask clarifying questions, they're going to ask for more information. And sometimes a person will then get defensive because they actually don't have the answers to those questions. And so they will ask those clarifying questions, they'll ask for more details, they're going to name what they heard from you. And they're also going to be pausing more and not interrupting. And so really pay attention to the difference between these two behaviors so that when you're going into a conversation and someone starts to get defensive, you name the behavior so that they're aware of them and they can change them. Because they might not realize that actually what they were doing was being defensive. And it helps you be able to talk to people you're supervising or whatever it is to say these are the behaviors to look out for when someone's getting defensive. When someone's just defending themselves, this is the behavior. And it allows for more conversation to happen versus, well, you're just getting defensive. And then it closes the whole conversation down. When you're having to have hard conversations, give feedback, whatever it is, you want someone to be in a dialogue with you, and you just not giving the monologue and then they leave your office or leave wherever it is. So the moral to this is to really understand the nuance between defensive and defending. And also to see which one are you doing? If this episode resonated with you, take a second to follow, rate, and share it wherever you listened. And if this conversation hits closer to home in your work, I also do keynotes, workshops, and facilitation. My goal is to help one million people have a better relationship with conflict. And it starts with you. Well, that's this episode of Five with Fry. Y'all take what you heard, sit with it, and use it. Remember, growth lives on the other side of that conversation. Don't waste the conflict, and thanks for listening.