S2 Ep8: "I’m Sorry You Felt That Way" is a Trash Apology

Repair is where leadership gets exposed.

Not when things are smooth. Not when the meeting goes well. After you interrupt someone. After you dismiss a concern. After you get it wrong.

Most leaders don’t struggle with saying “I’m sorry.” They struggle with what happens next. The explanation comes quickly. The intent gets clarified. The wording sounds mature. But the impact remains untouched.

When you center your intent, you shift the conversation away from the harm and toward protecting your image. And if you’re focused on intent, you’re not focused on impact.

Real repair requires naming what you did and how it landed, without disclaimers. It’s uncomfortable because it forces you to sit with your part. But that’s where credibility is built. Not through perfection. Through ownership.

If you lead people, this one matters. Repair isn’t dramatic. It’s specific. And it shapes the culture more than any policy ever will.

Transcript

Season Focus And Premise

Dr. Jen Fry 0:00

Welcome to Five with Fry. I'm Dr. Jen Fry. This podcast is about conflict and what it teaches us when we stop trying to avoid it. This season focuses on leadership starting with self. In five-minute episodes, we look at the internal work of leadership, self-awareness, emotional regulation, accountability, and the patterns that show up when things get tense. You don't get to lead past what you won't look at. In some episodes, I'll ask a guest one central question. What is a moment of conflict that changed you for the better? Different formats, same goal, to help you lead with more clarity by owning your own stuff. And using conflict as a tool, not something to run from. Hey friends, I'm Dr. Jen Fry, and today's episode, we're going to talk about repairing after you get it wrong. And this is the hardest thing probably to do. The repairing and the apology, especially when you are in leadership positions and you have people that you manage. But it's so critical that you, as that leader, shows what it looks like to apologize. And not in the performative, I'm sorry you felt that way. I'm sorry I didn't mean that. You know me better than that. That's trash. That's a weak ass apology. No one wants that. If that's what you're gonna do, just keep that inside. No one wants it. Because it's not an actual apology that acknowledges impact, it doesn't acknowledge harm, it doesn't actually look to repair anything. And the reality of it is that when you apologize for real, it's so hard and uncomfortable. Because you are acknowledging the impact you had, you are acknowledging the harm you had. And that's something that's really difficult to sit with. Many times I see people who are leaders who don't want to apologize because they're worried about their image, their authority. Well, if I apologize and say I'm wrong, what will people think? They'll literally think you're human. You're not gonna lose credibility for apologizing. You're not gonna give up power. None of that. In actuality, you're gonna gain more credibility. People are gonna look at you differently because you acknowledge the hard stuff. The fastest way to build relationships, to build trust, is to apologize, it's to repair, it's to say me being honest about my involvement in this situation is more important than my image. Creating this type of trust signals emotional safety, accountability, respect. It shows that the person and the relationship is more important than the image. And so we have to understand there's apologizing because you've been told like a little kid, I'm sorry, or it's the real apology because you understand the relationship is better. And it's an apology where you admit harm, you ignore your intent. Because if I'm focused on intent, I'm not focused on impact. And you're focused on the impact you made on those humans and what it does to the relationship. Because if you try and pretend like you didn't have an impact, it's gonna destroy the relationship, it's gonna destroy the trust. And honestly, then that's what your organizational culture is going to be like. A bunch of people who don't apologize for the mistakes they made, and everyone around saying, when are they gonna apologize? Because it's obvious the mistakes have been made. Apologizing, reconciliation, repairing are all critical steps in conflict. You cannot ignore those steps. If you ignore those pieces, your culture is never going to be great. People are going to want to leave. People are not going to want to be around you because they know that you're not a truth teller and you won't be obvious. You won't admit harm, you won't admit fault, you won't be held accountable because you're too worried about protecting yourself and your image, then you are making sure that people understand you're a genuine human that values the relationship more than anything else. And that's what a true leader does is values the relationship and the person. If this episode resonated with you, take a second to follow, rate, and share it wherever you listen. And if this conversation hits closer to home in your work, I also do keynotes, workshops, and facilitation. My goal is to help one million people have a better relationship with conflict. And it starts with you. Well, that's this episode of Five with Fry. Y'all take what you heard, sit with it, and use it. Remember, growth lives on the other side of that conversation. Don't waste the conflict, and thanks for listening.