S4 Ep4: Youth Sports Were Never Meant to Be Fair

Playing time is where I've watched more parents come undone than almost anything else. Not because they're difficult people, but because the rotation pokes at something real. Fairness. Pride. The fear sitting under all of it. And the first pivot I hear, almost every time, is some version of "it's not fair."

Here's the thing I've learned from the other side of the bench: youth sports were never built to be fair. The kid who's 6'2" at twelve, the late bloomer, the one splitting practices between two sports — the reps were never going to come out even. So when fairness becomes the score you're keeping, you lose the season to a game the sport isn't playing.

But there's a second thing underneath the fairness argument, and it's the one this episode is really about. Sometimes what you're sure is great...isn't. I've sat with film where a parent wants the diving, flopping, all-over-the-floor defender cut into a highlight reel — and what I see is a kid who can't stay on their feet. Same clip. Two completely different reads. You weren't missing information. You were watching the whole time and measuring by the wrong thing.

That's not a knock on you. It's just the gap between what looks impressive and what a coach actually trusts. This episode is about closing that gap and asking a better question than "is it fair?"

Transcript

Welcome And The Real Struggle

Dr. Jen Fry 0:00

Welcome to Five with Fry. I'm Dr. Jen Fry, and this season we're talking honestly about the hardest parts of being a sports parent. What actually is happening inside you on that sideline, in that car, and in the group chat. There's no shame, no finger pointing, just real conversation. And if you want to go deeper, my new book, Before You Blame the Coach, is available for pre-order right now. So let's get started.

Why Playing Time Hits So Hard

Dr. Jen Fry 0:26

Friends, let's talk about one of the main, I would say, frustrations, pain points, things that I've seen consistently with parents. That playing time. That playing time is where I consistently seen anger, frustration, upset, whatever emotion you want to have. And so I hear a few different kinds of pivots off of the main playing time argument.

Why Fairness Is A Dead End

Dr. Jen Fry 0:57

The first one I hear is a lot about fairness. Right? It's not fair that they are playing in a different position, playing a position they don't want, not getting them out of playing time that they deserve. It's not fair. And you know, the first thing I want to say about that is the understanding that sports, especially youth sports, are not meant to be fair. You might have a 12-year-old who's 6'2 playing against a 12-year-old that's five foot. That's not fair. You might have an athlete who has been playing a long time but just isn't grasping the skill that is needed to play at a certain level compared to an athlete that their first two months of playing, they're grasping that skill faster. And they have the athletic the athleticism needed to play that skill, and so they're getting more reps, more time on the court. That's not fair. You might have an athlete who's playing two sports, they're coming from basketball, missing half the practice to volleyball. It's not fair. Sports is never going to be fair. You can maybe try to have it be fair at the younger levels, or even some local levels, where all the playing time is charted on a piece of paper, and so they can say, okay, Jimmy played as much time as John did. But still, it might not be fair in that Jimmy got taken out for one type of mistake, John got to stay in. Sports are just inherently not fair. And I think so many parents get caught in this fairness mindset that they lose out on all the other things that are occurring. The development, the learning about themselves, the confidence, the freedom to figure out who they are. All of those things are missed out on under this idea of fair. And so I think it's important we talk about plain time to understand that it might not be what you deem is fair because there are gonna be some other contextual points that are within it, and sometimes you might not have the knowledge base to understand those contextual points, and I tend to see times when parents will say, Help me understand this. These things occurred with my kid, and they got taken out, and these things occurred with another kid, and they stay in the game. Help me understand, how is that fair? Why do they get to do that? And the the thing about it is that you might not understand why someone got taken out and someone might got taken got kept in. You just might not truly have the knowledge base, and I'm not saying that's bad, good, or whatever it is. I'm just saying you might not have those points.

A Better Question Than “Is It Fair?”

Dr. Jen Fry 4:27

And instead of getting mad or frustrated, I would really invite you to really start reframing the conversation around playing time and throwing the idea of fairness out, like literally just throw it away. Because all it's gonna do is frustrate you. Instead, I invite you to ask, is my kid learning the stuff that truly I want them to play youth sports to learn? Are they getting to do the things that I want youth sports to do? Are they in the situations that I want youth sports to put them in? And if all those things are met, I as a parent have to be okay if they're not getting the playing time that I feel they deserve or need. Because sometimes what you think of your athlete skill-wise is actually not truly the skill that they need to have to be at a certain level. What you might think is great from an expert or a coach's perspective, it might be average.

What Coaches Notice That You Might Miss

Dr. Jen Fry 5:45

You know, the example I'll use is when I'm looking at film and I'll get a defensive person's film, and the defensive person is just flopping and diving all over the court, never on their feet. And the parent wants to put these clips for a highlight reel. And I'm like, you as a parent might love that, but as a coach, we see a defender that cannot stay on their feet. We see a defender that makes everything a theatrical expression. We see a defender that isn't trying to be quiet and simple with their movements, instead, they have to be flailing and make everything look like a production. We don't want that defender. But to a parent, you're like, oh yes, Hercules, Hercules, look at them doing all the things that you need for a defender. But from an expert or a coach, we're like, absolutely not. They're not quiet, they're not silent with their movements. We can't have that player that makes everything a theatric whenever they touch the ball. And so that's what I mean is that you might not have the knowledge to truly understand what's going on, and it's okay. But when you're so mad about fresh about playing time or playing the position or fairness that you're missing out on what they're actually gaining, and you're also missing out on what you might not know, it's gonna just make the experience harder, not only for them, but also for you.

Closing And How To Go Deeper

Dr. Jen Fry 7:14

Friends, I hope this episode helped you. If it did, please like, follow, and share it with another sport parent, coach, or athlete. If you're ready to go deeper, please order my book before you blame the coach. Head over to my website, genfry talksyusports.com or Amazon. And if your team, club, or organization wants to build stronger conflict skills for parents, coaches, ministrators, and athletes, let's connect. I'm Dr. Jen Fry, and I'll see you next time on Five with Fry.