Five with Fry is your go-to podcast for understanding conflict—where it comes from, why it shows up, and how to handle it with clarity and intention. On each episode, Dr. Jen Fry breaks down the moments we avoid, the reactions we default to, and the skills it takes to move through conflict without blowing things up or shutting down.
S4 Ep7: Your kid isn't being picked on. They are being coached.
•Dr. Jen Fry •Season 4•Episode 7
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Your kid comes off the court and says the coach is picking on them again. Always calling them out, never the other kids. And before they've finished the sentence, you're already halfway to a decision about what you're going to do about it.
I get why. You hear the hurt in their voice, and you want to protect them. But most of the time, that thing your kid is calling out isn't being singled out. It's being coached. And the two feel identical from the passenger seat if nobody's ever taught your kid the difference.
In this episode, I talk about what actually happens when a coach keeps correcting your athlete, why the kid getting less feedback usually isn't the one doing better, and the reflex I watched parents fall into for fifteen years on the bench side — treating a correction like something's gone wrong instead of something's being built. I also get into the harder line: when tough feedback gets called abuse, and why blurring that costs your kid something later.
Before You Blame the Coach is out now. If this one lands, share it with a sport parent who needs it.
What's actually happening inside of you on that sideline, in that comment, and in that creeper. No shaming, no finger pointing, just real conversation. And if you want to go deeper, my new book, Before You Blame the Coach, is available now. So let's go.
Let's talk about a really important but hard part of sports and life in general, which is feedback. Feedback is one of the hardest things within youth sports that we even see adults are not able to manage well. And I see athletes that aren't able to handle feedback because their parents aren't able to handle feedback. And their parents have then trained their athletes not ab not to be able to handle feedback. And what do I mean by that?
I mean that we need to understand that your athletes just receiving feedback from a coach. They're not being called out. They're not being abused, they're just getting feedback. And I see parents who get upset, well, my kid was called out at a timeout. Your kid was given feedback during a timeout because they weren't doing something correctly. That is a normal part of being coached. Now it's really important and up to you as a parent to ask yourself how do I as the parent handle my child in those situations? How do I talk to them about it? How do I help them gain emotional regulation? How do I help them parse out what is said to make the correct changes? Versus versus trying to add more to the emotion that the coach is showing. Those are really important things to focus on. Because what happens is that when your athlete comes to you saying that they've gotten feedback and they say, you know, I it feels like coach is picking on me or the coach keeps calling me out or the coach is always calling me out, but not the other teammates. That's called coaching. And I will tell you this as a coach. When we stop giving you feedback, that's when you should be worried. When we stop telling you what you need to do to be your best self, that's when you should be really worried, not when we're giving you the feedback.
And when your athletes telling you these things, and your immediate response is, we need to go talk to the coach. My kids being singled out and abused. You're not teaching your athlete, A, how to take feedback, and B, which is sometimes more important, what the real behaviors of abuse are. What does abuse sound like? What does it look like? What does it feel like? If you are saying this feedback is abuse, you're not giving them the actual behaviors that they need to look for as they get older and are in relationships, are working in the power dynamic of the professor and the student or the professor and the TA. They won't know what to truly look for as abuse. They won't truly know what it looks like to have a boss or professor who is really looking out for them and wants them to succeed, so is giving them consistent feedback. They won't know what it looks like because they haven't been taught that.
And so I really invite you that when your athletes come to you and saying, I feel called out, they're always yelling at me and not other teammates to instead ask them, What is your coach trying to help you improve at? What thing does your coach believe you can be excellent at that you just aren't now? What position does your coach feel like you can be excellent at? That you just need a little bit more help. Instead of immediately saying, Well, why is it only my athlete being coached? Instead be proud. The coach thinks my athlete can handle feedback, that my athlete needs to grow, that my athlete can show a higher level. Be proud about that instead of immediately being angry and figuring out why other people aren't getting the same coaching. Because I'll tell you this: when they stop giving them the feedback, that means that they stopped coaching them. And that needs to be, as I said before, your biggest worry. Getting feedback is not calling them out, it's not criticizing them, it's helping them become a better version of their athletic and personal selves.
Friends, I hope this episode helped you. If it did, please like, follow, and share it with another sport parent, coach, or athlete. If you're ready to go deeper, please order my book before you blame the coach. Head over to my website, JenniferTalk2sports.com or Amazon. And if your team, club, or organization wants to build stronger conflict skills for parents, coaches, administrators, and athletes, let's connect. I'm Dr. Jennifer Fry, and I'll see you next time on Fry with Friday.
